Food Stamp? No, Food tramp. Feeding in the Shallow End

Food Stamp? No, Food tramp.

Feeding in the Shallow End

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Day 42


Listening to the sweet serenade of my cat’s snoring, confirmation of my spinster status, I typically drift off to sleep hoping that the next dawn will bring the change I so desperately seek. Most days are no different than the day before. Some stand out in the level of general anxiety. Some in the possibility of fun. My dates are always tempered by the realization that I don’t have the means to date at all.
My phone is not on.
My clothes don’t get washed as often as they should.
My ability to travel to dates is limited.
My living situation is not optimal.
My attention span is [] long.
My heart is not in it.
Someone has my heart. Someone who doesn’t nearly deserve it. Not for who they are or what they don’t know but for what they could never honestly tell me about themselves.
If I had the supplies, there would be some serious deep frying going on in my kitchen. Perfect timing to start gaining those ever so lovely emotional eating pounds. Just in time for summer,
Instead, I’ve taken to smoking oregano. It’s the only thing left in mycabinets that I haven’t tried to eat for sustenance.
No plans tonight.
News at 11.

Day 41


I hate myself. It’s official. I’m really wallowing in it today. How can I have fallen for someone else so bad for me? This would not be the first ill fated relationship I’ve mentally and emotionally attached myself to.

What is wrong with me? I feel desperate with anxiety over it. I’m flashing hot, my stomach is upset, I can’t concentrate or keep still, I keep slapping my forehead. I’m trying to get work done. This is seriously miserable.

Deep breath.

I have a date in 2.5 hours.

 

News at 11.

Day 44


I slept in my clothes last night. This isn’t all that rare for me. I sleep on a leather loveseat in my living room. Falling asleep in your clothes happens.

The man that I was in severe like with is not interested in me. He never was from the beginning. I’ve reviewed all of the evidence. I’m black and he’s not. His traditional family would never accept it and I’m not interested in being where I’m not wanted. He made a lot of other excuses but I was his first foray into interracial dating and he’s well into his thirties. His freewheeling use of racial epithets in regard to people of other descent was also plenty reason to be suspicious.

How very retro.

Let’s be honest, he dodged a bullet. Look at me. I’m approaching 30. I’m failing at my business and finances, I’m about to be evicted and I can’t provide myself sustenance or permanent employment.

I had a lot of fun with him. I’m sorry he didn’t feel the same way.

Deep sigh…

Murphy’s Law.

 

I have a date tonight.

News at 11.

 

 

Day 40


The day has come. I will be evicted. It’s my own fault.

Day 36


Sometimes I wish I would have one big zit. One big zit that would be the end of all zits for all times. I would get rid of this blemish with care and haste as best as I know how, leaving no scars but permanently ending it’s and every other zit’s residence on my body.

I thought I had my big zit already.

 

I think I have adult onset acne.

I’m working on my date for tonight.

News at 11.

Day 33


Lowered Exasperations

In a bizarro world role reversal of ginormous proportions I’ve been trying to arrange a second chance encounter with Doe. I cancelled plans with two other people to make myself available to go see him. I sat dressed, bag packed waiting for his word to take a trip that I can’t afford. We had talked about it the night before and I thought it was all but guaranteed. It played itself out over the course of the afternoon and evening and ended with me in my draws and socks watching cartoons in my living room. This time I got an explanation. He was pooped. To be honest, chasing him has exhausted the shit out of me.

I think I like him because he’s not interested. My therapist would have a lot to say about why that’s not a good way to start a relationship. Daddy issues and what not.  When I woke up early this morning, I saw that he had texted to see if I was still awake a few hours after I had nodded off to oblivion.  I think we might be becoming friends if nothing else. His surly nature seems to be subsiding. My ornery facade melted away immediately upon meeting him but has poked it’s head out when protection is necessary. I’m just trying to avoid making the same mistakes in relationships that I’ve made since the onset of my dating life. I told him about my encounter with Paul when our plans fell through. It turned him off at first and triggered all kinds of other questions about who else I was sleeping with. I could not believe how possessive he was being considering what little interest he had in me.

I had a date last night and cancelled but I’ve put on a few pounds in the past few weeks on my dates. I have no date tonight. It’s still early.

News at 11.

Day 31


Fall hard and easy, get up slow and long…

I don’t resile quickly. My dad said this to me once when I was a younger adult. I don’t know if I’m intrigued at his insight into my psyche considering his relative inactivity in my adult life.  I’m definitely interested in his reflections on my childhood behavior as an indicator for current and future choices.

I was a late bloomer. My first kiss happened well after high school was over and I lost my virginity the same night. I just wasn’t ready until then. So now that I’m past the point where making out is something “to be done”, I’m back to being picky about my romantic interludes. I’m a prude. I think that’s probably best considering my severe emotional retardation. I’m also a black woman between the ages of 18 and 35 which puts me in the statistical group most likely to contract HIV.  I like to know who I’m letting enter my viscera. Sue me.

Yes, I’m sensitive to emotional goings on. I’m also sensitive to physical stimuli.  It is psychicly stressful to be constantly accosted by men sexually.

Yes. I understand that you think you want to sleep with me. I just don’t think you’re prepared for the implications of said action. I really don’t. Also, you are not the only one  interested. So I’m going to be picky. Getting bent out of shape about is only going to make you less appealing to me.

I have a date tonight.

News at 11

Day 30


I was going to take today to recap and detail my dates up until this point. I’ve decided instead to wait until I actually have 30 dates under my belt to do that. I haven’t kept detailed or copious notes but I remember the specifics of every minute I’ve spent with these men.

Today, I think, instead I’ll take this time to apologize. I’m neurotic like a motherfucker, no question. I make excuses for why I’m not interested in second dates. Sometimes while I’m on the second dates.

Last night I had a second date with the guy I had met the night before. The first night, we spent a third of the day together and really enjoyed each other’s company.  We made out a little but I didn’t enjoy it. He was a little pushy. I acquiesced only because I was willing to give it a try. In the end I wasn’t really feeling it. I agreed to a second try but spent the most of the night arguing with Doe via email.

I think it’s fair to say that I have no business dating. Not in any real sense of the word. This started out as a way to eat. I really need to keep that in mind from now on.

Liking me is a sure ticket to the inner workings of my neurotic mental machinations. Excuses for why it can’t and won’t work when in all reality, I don’t want it to work.

I’m having lunch with someone very shortly. It’s a second date. I should be shot.

News at 11.

DAY 29


Smarter, Not Harder

I called an audible last night. I was supposed to have drinks in the village with someone and wound up having dinner with someone else. The switch was totally based on preference for company. Dinner consisted of a griddled peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Great stoner food. Great conversation, great company. I like this guy. He’s brilliant and sweetly timid.

Doe and I have been going back and forth about what happened that caused such weirdness between us. I would still fuck his brains out if given the chance(shh, don’t tell anyone). I just know that he would be a terrible partner. Our communicating has been labored to say the least and he assumes no culpability whatsoever for it.

Deciding to hang out with men who actually seem interested in me isn’t a hard thing to figure out. As a young adult, I was astounded at the level of “game” men employ when dating.

-There’s the approach. They will come out and ask you out. The level of aggression always depends on the guy.

-Once you’ve gone out, regardless of how much of a good time you’ve had, there’s the dead silence for at least two days afterwards. I’ll grant you, they may be busy with work, travel, dating others or life in general. If a guy really likes you and is sincere, he will find a way to call you regardless of all of this. Most of them are playing this weird game.

-The remainder of the dating storyline involves them either actually dating you or any number of women and treating them like expendables. They do their best to make you feel like they’re doing you a favor by hanging out with them. This phase can last anywhere from a few weeks to the point at which he decides he wants to settle down and marry.

I don’t play these games. If you act like you’re not interested, I’m walking away. There are plenty of guys who are interested and could be great company. Your disinterest has completely turned me off to dating you. (Doe, ahem). I may pick your brain about your behavior to better ascertain the convolution of the male psyche but we will not date. I like guys as friends. They help clear things up tremendously. If your conversion requires the jumping  of awkwardness hurdles, I’ll do it if I think you’re worth it.

Dating does not have to be difficult. Guys like to coddle us because they think we wouldn’t want to hear the truth. The problem with this line of thinking is this:

IF YOU CONTINUE TO LIE TO US, WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU.

If that’s the way you like it, ok. But if you want less confusion and upset, be honest. I promise you it will weed out the lunatic reactions.

I have a date tonight.

News at 11.

Day 28


Business and Pleasure

Is it tacky to try to do business with the guys I’m dating?

Honestly, my job is the dominant narrative of my life. I talk to everyone about it. Dates, my landlord, the guys at the laundromat, the guy at the welfare office…

Serendipitously, last night’s date could be a client. I had no idea until we sat down at the bar and started in on a very intense and interesting conversation. He seemed very interested in my work and I did my best not to make it seem like I was coming out of my skin to sell it to him.

He was very cute, intelligent, funny, sweet, honest, tolerant of my at times, belligerent nature, loves to cook and he lives very close by.

I don’t know if it would be dangerous to date someone that I also do business with. I will definitely keep you posted on both as I have every intention of 1. seeing him again and 2. subtly suggesting he become a new client.

My friend Paul came over after my date. The date was over early because he had a previously scheduled appointment later in the evening and I was more than happy to accommodate.

Paul is weird. We’ve hung out in the past but I could never read him in regard to our possible romantic connection. I mentioned that to him last night and he said that my appeal  was multifaceted and more complex than just whether or not he was attracted to me. He then began kissing my neck, rubbing my back and gave me the best head I’ve had in years.

Tonight’s date also could be a client. This could be very good or kinda sticky. I’m just glad there are contracts required. I’ve been totally upfront with these guys about dating other people.

 

News at 11.


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